God Knows We're Worth It
by cardiothoracicwhore
Summary: After her boards, Cristina and Owen still aren't talking. Cristina doesn't know how to forgive Owen, but maybe a trip to Stanford will help her figure it out.
1. Chapter 1

"You'd better not miss dinner Cristina," Meredith warned, straightening her suit jacket. The residents had just completed their boards, and they were still clad in their monkey suits. A feeling of uneasiness was spread throughout the group, due to lack of confidence in their performance.

The only resident completely confident in their performance was of course Cristina. Despite speculation, Cristina was her hard-core self during her boards and she passed with flying colors. 'Nothing like channeling your loneliness and rage into studying', Cristina thought bitterly to herself.

She and Owen hadn't really spoken since he declared his love for her before leaving the firehouse. Of course they'd had discussions as colleagues; Owen was the messenger when it came to hospitals offering her fellowships. They also talked when he offered her a fellowship on behalf of SGMW. Whenever he'd try to ask her of her plans regarding these fellowships, she'd quickly shut him down.

Honestly, Cristina had no idea what fellowship she planned on accepting. Cleveland Clinic or Johns Hopkins were the obvious choices, yet she couldn't bring herself to commit. A small voice in her head constantly nagged that if she didn't fix things with Owen, she'd never truly be happy again.

"I won't, it's a forty minute drive. You won't even have time to miss me," Cristina sighed, and gave her person a hug. "Thanks for helping me study with the 'Grey Method'," Cristina squeezed Meredith tight for a second before letting her go.

"I'm really going to miss you," Meredith sighed, looking at the ground. Meredith had already accepted the offer that Owen had given her, and was set to begin soon. As a congratulatory present, Derek had the house in the woods finished. Derek, Meredith, and Zola were set to move in next week. Meredith insisted on having Cristina's room furnished, even though they both knew she probably wouldn't be around to stay in it.

"Mer," Cristina groaned, but secretly she was hurting too. Meredith was her other half, her twisted sister. It didn't seem right that they would be moving up the ranks as attendings without each other. Meredith squeezed Cristina's arm as she walked outside to call Derek and check on Zola.

"Taxi," Cristina called, signaling with her arm. Sliding into the backseat, she handed the driver an address. Leaning back against the seat, she felt a dull pain in her head begin.

She'd finally reached the finish line, she'd weathered the journey. Cristina expected to feel relieved that her boards were done, that she was finally free. She'd always imagined the sense of accomplishment that she'd feel. She was now a cardiothoracic surgeon, she'd finally made it.

Cristina never expected to feel this conflicted, this emotional over the completion of her residency. She'd always assumed she'd be on the first plane out of Seattle to some world-renown cardio hospital. When she started her internship, she'd had no idea that she'd get so close with Meredith, Callie, and Alex, that she'd become a godmother, or that she'd be a wife. Cristina never expected leaving to be a problem.

Now, leaving was everything. By leaving, any chance of repairing her marriage would be gone. Deep down, Cristina knew she would never fall in love again, not after Owen. She'd be leaving her twisted sister, her soul mate. Leaving hadn't even been a question before, and now it's the biggest decision Cristina will ever make.

As the familiar sights of Stanford became visible through the windows, Cristina relaxed ever so slightly. She paid the cab driver, and stepped out into the warm, shining sun. Still dressed in her crisp suit, she felt a little embarrassed. Quickly, she walked over to the church, her favorite spot on campus. Being an atheist, Cristina could never quite figure out what drew her to the church, but something did.

The sun beat down on her back as Cristina's eyes were mesmerized by the intricate artwork on the front of the church. She was completely focused until the small talk of two girls seated on a bench behind her caught her attention.

"I don't understand how you took him back," the girl with red hair said to her friend, they both looked to be about 25. "We worked things out," the blonde said with a sigh. It was obvious this discussion had come up fairly frequently, much to the blonde's dismay.

"He cheated on you, to **hurt** you," the friend emphasized, causing Cristina's blood to run cold. Her stomach churned as she listened intently. The blonde girl looked up, her eyes fierce. "I tried to put myself in his shoes; I was the one to hurt him first. Of course it wasn't intentional, but still. Subconsciously, I think a part of him wanted to hurt me by cheating, but I don't think he went out with the intention of getting back at me. He was lonely, confused, and scared, and not to mention drunk," the girl bit her bottom lip which was quivering.

"How can you make excuses?" the friend asked her, horrified. Shaking her head, the blonde responded, "I'm not making excuses, what he did was horrible. We still have so much trust to rebuild, but I want the chance to rebuild it with him. The reason it hurt so much when he cheated on me, is because I love him so much. When you love someone so much, the mistakes that you make hurt each other because you matter to each other," the girl smiled slightly.

Hearing too much, Cristina quickly walked in the direction of the medical school, far away from the chatting girls. With the obvious parallels, it was hard for Cristina not to think of Owen. That girl had been in her situation, however she seemed to have come to the conclusion that both Cristina and Owen desperately wanted, but neither could seem to figure out how to get it.

Knocking on the door lightly, Cristina hoped there wasn't a class going on. The door swung open to an empty classroom, and the door shut behind her as she entered.

"My, my, Cristina Yang," a clipped, English accent greeted her.


	2. Chapter 2

"Colin," she greeted her old professor and lover warmly. She looked around at his classroom, her eyes analyzing each of the changes he'd made since she'd departed. The chalkboard had been replaced by a smartboard, and his old wooden desk that they'd once has sex on had been upgraded to a nicer one that didn't wobble.

"Well aren't you going to give me a hug," he teased, pulling her into his arms. It had been years since he held her, but Cristina relaxed instantly. It seemed like years since Owen had held her, and a familiar comfort felt nice. A part of her longed for the warmth and protection she felt during sex, and for a split second, she thought about her and Colin christening his new desk.

After realizing what she'd just thought about doing, she quickly disentangled herself from Colin's arms. "You're dressed nicely, and you're here in California, so either your mother's died or you just took your boards," Colin motioned for her to sit atop his desk as he carefully leaned against it, keeping most of his weight on his feet.

"My mom's still alive, and annoying," Cristina rolled her eyes, smirking slightly. Colin grinned; running is hand through his hair. "So how did the boards go, I'll be you've been studying since last year," the sound of his laughter filled the room, vibrating through the walls.

Cristina bit her lip, almost embarrassed to admit that she'd basically crammed for the most important exam of her life. It was a new feeling for her, loving someone as much as surgery, and putting a relationship before a fellowship. For months, she thought that Owen was going to walk out the door, something that secretly terrified her. She tried desperately to fix things, something she felt was fairly one sided. Now, she had no idea where they stood. Owen loved her that she knew. Owen was sorry, that again she knew. Owen wouldn't cheat again? Owen didn't need kids? These things, she had no idea.

"Of course they went excellent, I am a cardiogod," she smirked, her eyes shining. "That you are," Colin agreed, pride clear on his face. Cristina couldn't help but think of Owen's reaction when he would find out her score. Even though he would attempt to keep his face professional during their meetings, Cristina could see a sense of pride that he had each time another world famous hospital wooed her into working for them. Damn it, she was thinking about Owen again.

She was about to speak, when the bell rang and students began piling in. Colin quickly explained that they were fourth year med students, applying for different hospitals around the country. As the second bell signaled that class had begun, a quiet fell over the students. "Good morning, I have the pleasure of introducing you to my former and very successful student, Miss Cristina Yang," he smiled in her direction, and motioned for her to stand next to him.

A few students' jaws dropped, probably because they'd seen her name along with Teddy's in the latest New England Journal of Medicine, regarding their study of 'fixing broken hearts'. She'd also been featured as a 'Surgeon to Watch', being referred to as the Ellis Grey of Cardiothoracics. "Hello everyone," Cristina smiled slightly, her nerves kicking in.

"As you probably could've guessed by the attire, Miss Yang has just returned from acing her boards," Colin smiled warmly at her. "This means that she's completed her entire residency, something you will all embark on next year. Take this time to ask her a few questions; she's quite brilliant, and very honest. She'll tell you what you need to know," he winked, then leaned against his desk, leaving Cristina alone in the front.

Most of the students wanted to know how to pick the right hospital for residency, asked questions about choosing a specialty and the best ways to study for intern exams. Cristina easily answered these, her nerves settling. "You in the back," Cristina pointed to a hand at the back of the classroom. The girl stood, and Cristina recognized her as the blonde girl from the church. "Are you married Ms. Yang?" motioning to the rings that Cristina wore around her neck, that had slipped out from underneath her shirt. She started wearing them so Owen would see how dedicated she was to fixing their relationship, and now she just wore them for a reminder of him, of them. Cristina broke into a cold sweat, her mind drawing a blank. A few students in the front, the perfectionists, the people who Cristina was in med school rolled their eyes. They didn't care about relationships; they were going to be gods. They would be insulted that someone like them had grown up and put a relationship before their career.

"I uh yes, I am married," she murmured, purposefully ignoring Colin's eyes that were now zeroed in on her. "Well how do you manage it, being a doctor and a wife?" the girl asked. Cristina felt like bolting, her stomach churned. She knew the girl wouldn't want to hear how she didn't know how. How she'd tried trading Owen for surgery, and then married him without making sure they were on the same page. How'd she'd completely fallen apart, and he put her back together, how much she loved him. How she'd had an abortion, how she'd hurt him. How he'd cheated on her, how they were falling apart. How she didn't even think they'd be married this time next year. She knew the girl wouldn't want to hear that, so she lied.

"It can be difficult, you'll make mistakes, but if it's the right person you'll fix the mistakes, and be together at the end to promise not to make them again," she told the girl, recognizing the amount of truth she'd actually spoken. She thought about Meredith and Derek, and Callie and Arizona. They all made mistakes, did horrible things, and yet they were together today, promising to be together forever. Even her and Owen had been through so much, and loved each other regardless.

As the final bell rang, the students filled out leaving Colin and her alone again. "You're married?" he asked skeptically, apparently very surprised. He'd heard about her and Burke's engagement imploding, surprised that she'd trusted anyone enough to get married.

Pursing her lips to keep from crying, Cristina nodded, her curls shaking around her face. "To who?" Colin asked, intrigued. "His names Owen, I met him while he was in the army. He's the chief of surgery now," she sighed, her stomach still hurting.

"Ah the Chief, you always have had a thing for authority figures," Colin probed, causing Cristina to roll her eyes. "Shut up," she growled, biting her lip. "Well congratulations, I'm glad you finally found someone who was truly right for you. Is he coming with you to your fellowship, or are you going to travel back and forth to see each other? He must be very impressed by all the job offers," Colin straightened his desk, curious of Cristina's plans for the future.

Unshed tears welled in Cristina's eyes, her arms griping the desk beneath her. "He's uh, he's proud," she sighed heavily, willing herself not to lose it. "Uh, no I don't think he's coming with me, and I don't think we're going to really travel back and forth," she trailed off, speaking becoming too much for her.

Colin looked into her eyes, and suddenly he knew. He'd been in love with Cristina for years, he understood her facial expressions. "I'm sorry love, from what you told that girl, I just assumed that you were happy," he apologized. Cristina shrugged, a few tears slipping down her cheek.

"We got married, right after the shooting. I'd gotten PTSD, and I couldn't operate. He helped to fix me, he was there when surgery wasn't. Well I uh, got pregnant, and had an abortion. For a while we seemed okay, but we weren't. We tried therapy, it didn't work. I tried to fight so hard for him. He um, he cheated on me and I asked him to move out. He's been trying so hard to fix things with us, but I don't know what to do," silent tears ran down her face, her hands shook as she wiped them away.

Colin pulled Cristina into his arms, as she tucked her head into his shoulder. "Shh," he rocked her back and forth as she cried into him. After what seemed like hours, she wiped her eyes and slowly stood. "I'm such a mess, I'm sorry. You're probably disgusted, I've become a girl," she smiled faintly, remembering their conversation when she was going to marry Burke.

Pushing a tendril of hair behind Cristina's ear, Colin smiled warmly. "I am far from disgusted by you, in fact, I'm in awe of you," he whispered. She looked at him, confusion clear on her face. "You are still my Cristina Yang, ambitious, competitive, and unbelievably brilliant. You're wanted by every elite medical facility in the nation, and you've just obliterated your boards. You, Cristina Yang have become the cardiogod that I always knew you could be," he told her earnestly.

"Don't be ashamed of who you've become Cristina, because you are truly remarkable. When you were engaged to Burke, you were letting him take pieces of yourself away; you were molding yourself into the perfect housewife. You sacrificed your career to cover for him, and you lost yourself. That Cristina Yang, I didn't recognize. But this Cristina Yang, I do. You still love surgery, you're still competitive and bad-ass, and you're still you, but a bit more complex. You've welcomed in a love for your Owen, along with your love of surgery. You've fought for surgeries for years, and now you're fighting for your marriage as well," Colin wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

"I don't know if you can move on from the infidelity and the abortion, that's between you and your husband. But I'm telling you, don't give up on your marriage because you think you're compromising yourself, because you aren't. You'll know the moment you're being chipped away, or making one sacrifice to many and that's the time to question if your marriage if truly right. I can tell you love him a very great deal, so try to fix things if you can. Maybe he can come with you, or maybe you'll meet each other half way. Cristina Yang, you deserve a full life, don't cut yourself short," he kissed her cheek before pulling her in for another hug.

"Thank you Colin," Cristina mumbled into his chest, before pulling away. She wiped the last few tears from her eyes, and straightened her clothing. "Well, I've got to head back to San Francisco," she pointed at the clock. "Goodbye Colin," she bid him farewell. "Goodbye Cristina Yang," he smiled as she pulled the door closed behind her.

Her head was swimming; she felt a fog of confusion settle in her mind as the taxi drove her back to her friends. Owen hadn't tried to change her, it was never his intention. He'd accepted and loved her when she tried to trade him for surgery, or when she constantly put surgery before their relationship. She knew that although it hurt him sometimes, he loved her just the way she was. He held her hand through the abortion, and watched as his dreams of being a father disappeared. Cristina was the one who asked him not to leave; she was the one who wanted to fight. She's the one who made the decision to skip work to talk things out, and she decided to put her marriage before the boards. However angry she was at herself for getting distracted, she knew she couldn't fairly place the blame on Owen, as she could Burke. Her relationship with Burke was filled with ultimatums and constant force. Owen was there when surgery wasn't, and Cristina knew one day that surgery wouldn't be there anymore. She wasn't sure whether or not she wanted to experience that withdrawal without Owen.

She was so angry with him, so hurt by his cheating that she didn't know if she'd be able to move on. Her discussion with Colin had made her want to talk with Owen, to try to fix things. Confusion still swamped her mind as she drifted to sleep; her last thoughts before slipping out of consciousness were filled with Owen.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a week since Cristina had visited Colin, and she was still utterly confused. Currently, she was still ignoring Owen's constant pleas to talk, still hurt by his cheating. She knew she loved him, she just didn't know if that was enough.

She was on trauma today, something she'd been dreading for weeks. She and Owen worked in silence, only speaking when it was medically required. However, the longing glances and hurt expressions spoke for themselves.

Cristina sat at the trauma desk, waiting for the phone to ring. Uncharacteristically, Cristina was relieved by the lack of traumas; it left her more time to contemplate her options without Owen's longing stare.

"Dr. Yang," his voice was rough, he sounded tired. "Yes, Dr. Hunt," she answered professionally, turning to face him. He looked just like he sounded, exhausted. His eyes were sunken in, they were dull and dark. He hadn't shaved in a few days, and he looked thinner. "If you could come with me to my office, we have to complete our weekly meeting regarding your fellowship choices for next year," his voice was strangled, his eyes downcast.

"Of course Dr. Hunt," she followed him into his office, trying to breathe normally. These meeting always left her feeling empty, like a shell of herself. It was nearly impossible to discuss the idea of you leaving with the husband that you were no longer speaking to.

The two awkwardly sat down, mentally preparing themselves for what was about to commence. Cristina looked sadly around the office, looking at the pictures of them from happier times. There was a picture of them on their wedding day hanging right next to his diploma. There was one from Derek's birthday last year, she was sitting in his lap with his arms around her, placed by his name plaque on his desk. Cristina noticed a new addition, causing her heart to stop. It was her article from the New England of Medicine, the 'Surgeons to Watch'. It featured a picture of her in her scrubs, and talked about her accomplishments. It had only come out last week, so Owen must've been keeping up with her.

Owen cleared his throat, signaling that it was time to start. Waving away any distraction, Cristina looked at him, focused. "So as you know, you've got at least fifteen outstanding offers from hospitals around the country. Cleveland Clinic, Johns Hopkins, NIH, and USC are just a few, also you have an offer from Seattle Grace Mercy West," he reminded her, his voice breaking.

"I don't want to pressure you, this is a big decision Cristina," he told her softly, his eyes drifting to his desk. "With that said, the deadline to respond is quickly approaching, and you don't seem to be completely sure of your direction at this point," he reminded her quietly.

"Yes, I understand. I'm working to make the decision that is best for me," Cristina whispered, trying to keep the hurt out of her voice.

Owen nodded, and continued, "With your specialty being Cardiothoracic USC or Cleveland are probably your best options. However, SGMW, does offer familiarity, the ability to remain in your home," Owen fought against the lump in his throat, as tears filled his eyes.

Cristina breathed raggedly, feeling like she'd been kicked in the ribs. Tears filled her eyes as well, when Owen's paged rang. Quickly he scanned the message and stood up. "I have an incoming to the pit, and also a follow-up from a patient from a month or so ago. Would you be able to complete the follow-up for me, and then join me if this incoming results in a trauma," Owen was completely back to professional mode.

"Of course Dr. Hunt," she nodded before grabbing the patients' chart from his desk. Following him out of his office, he threw her a final glance before going down to the pit. "Piper Gellar?" she called once she made it down to the waiting room. A small brunette stood, followed by a woman with curly blonde hair. "Hello, I'm Dr. Yang, I'll be doing your follow-up today," she smiled and motioned for the two to follow her into an exam room.

"Where's Dr. Hunt, he performed the surgery and Piper tells me her usually performs the exam," the blonde woman asked, looking slightly disappointed. As Cristina helped Piper onto the exam table, she looked curiously back at the blonde woman. What she is doing here, she wondered. "Dr. Hunt received a page, so I'll be completing it for him. May I ask who you are?" Cristina was losing patience for the irritating woman. While waiting for a response, she quickly glanced over the chart, and began the usual routine that Owen had described in his notes.

"I'm Piper's friend, I was with her during the accident," she told Cristina, matter-of-factly. "Mhm," Cristina responded, checking Piper's vitals. "How's the incision site, any pain or discomfort?" Cristina asked, examining the almost healed wound. "Are you sure Dr. Hunt won't be stopping by at all," the blonde interrupted.

Cristina turned to ask her to leave when Piper spoke up. "I'm sorry about her, she really wants to see Dr. Hunt. I guess after saving my life, the two of them went for drinks and really hit it off. She's been trying to get a hold of him for a month now, with no luck. She figured if she showed up, she might get another chance with him," Piper rolled her eyes before extending her arm so Cristina could check her blood pressure.

Suddenly Cristina couldn't breathe. That woman was the woman from the bar, the woman that Owen had cheated with. Cristina's blood ran cold, she couldn't focus. That woman, knowing he was married had come to track Owen down for another round of adulterous sex. She felt like vomiting. "You know, he might stop by, you never know," she forced herself to answer before continuing on with the exam.

The blonde's dream came true because within minutes Owen was throwing away his trauma gown and making his way to the check-up room. "Hello Piper," he greeted, before noticing Cristina's rigid pose. He wondered what had caused her reaction when he saw Piper's friend sitting on a chair, staring at him intently. Cristina turned in his direction, tears filling her eyes rapidly. "Dr. Hunt, I'll let you finish up," she whispered before moving towards the door. "Cristina," he put his arm out to stop her, but she brushed past it, a single tear escaping. "Cristina," he called again, before returning to finish Piper's exam.

After a few awkward minutes, Piper excused herself to the bathroom. Cristina watched as she exited and she quickly moved towards the doorway to listen to Owen's discussion.

The blonde girl was smiling, obviously pleased that she had some alone time with Owen. "So we meet again," she flirted, moving to stand next to him. "What are you doing here," he growled, obviously frustrated. "What do you mean," she asked, innocently.

"I mean why did you come here, to my place of work. You can't just show up and flirt with me in front of my co-workers, in front of my wife," he told her angrily, moving away from her. The blonde woman gasped, before smiling, "That doctor was your wife," she snickered, causing Cristina to ball her fists in anger. The blonde obviously enjoyed inflicting pain on Cristina.

"Yes, that was my wife. She's already devastated, I don't need you coming around and flaunting my mistake in her face. I've already caused her enough pain," he sighed, rubbing his face roughly. "Oh, so you told her," the blonde asked, intrigued.

Owen looked at her incredulously, "Of course I told her, I'm in love with her," he spat, disgusted with the woman. "You seemed like the kind who would try to fix things, I could tell from the moment I met you," the woman's voice made Cristina's skin crawl.

"You need to go, and never come back," Owen told her, and pointed to the door. "Oh come on, Dr. Yang doesn't seem like the forgiving type. Let's give it another go," she purred, her fingers trailing up Owen's arm.

Flinching away from her touch, Owen's eyes went dark. "You need to leave. What I did with you was a mistake, a mistake that I will regret for my entire life because I hurt the woman I love. She's probably moving across the country, because of what I did. It wouldn't matter if Cristina and I were divorced; I never want to hurt her again. So please, just leave," Owen watched as the woman gathered her purse, and stomped off, obviously sour.

Owen sat on the exam table, his head in his hands. Cristina walked through the doorway, tears glistening her cheeks. "I can't believe you kept it," Cristina whispered, causing Owen to look up. "What?" he asked his voice thick with tears. "The 'Surgeons to Watch' article, the one with me in it that came out just last week," she smiled slightly at the memory of it framed in his office.

"It's my wife, featured in the most prominent medical journal in the world; of course I'm going to frame it. You finally reached your goal, and I'm so unbelievably proud of you," emotion fueled each of his words.

"I'm so sorry she came here, I can't even imagine what you must've felt. I am just so sorry I screwed everything up," tears welled in Owen's eyes as he spoke. Cristina walked over slowly, and touched her forehead to his, tears running down her face. "How did we get here?" she asked sadly, allowing herself to touch Owen's face lightly, wiping away his tears.

"I have no idea, but I wish more than anything that we could fix it," Owen told her earnestly. Owen pulled Cristina into his arms, resting his chin on her shoulder as Cristina leaned her head on the front of his shoulder, before she fell apart. Owen swayed her back and forth, kissing her hair.

"I'm still so angry with you, and I don't know if I can trust you," Cristina told him. Owen nodded, "I know, and that's alright." "I still want to be a cardiogod, and you still want to be a father," she reminded him quietly. "I know that too," Owen kissed her forehead. "I don't know if love is enough, but I want to try, I love you a lot," she whispered. "I love you too, all you have to do it meet me halfway. All you have to do it say yes," Owen murmured into her ear, reminiscent of their first promise to try and fix themselves.

Cristina knew they might not work out, and she knew that she might be leaving. Cristina knew that she was hurting, but she also knew that they had to try. She knew that it wouldn't be fair for two people who loved each other to give up without exhausting every single option. Cristina knew it would be difficult, but still she whispered, "Yes," before kissing Owen quickly on the lips before walking out of the room, the confusion in her mind finally gone.


End file.
